Rather than using the term domestic violence, which is often equated with spousal abuse, we think of the problem as the broader one of family violence. This includes intimate partner violence, as well as other kinds of violence: child abuse, child-to-parent abuse, elderly abuse, and abuse by former family members, such as ex-spouses.

Like many difficult problems, family violence can be uncomfortable to talk about. As an EAP, it's an issue we are very familiar with. Many people who call us for help are debilitated from coping with family violence and issues that are so often intertwined: substance abuse, depression, or mental illness.

One myth about domestic violence is that it always involves physical or sexual assault. Not true. It might include threats, intimidation, humiliation, stalking, emotional abuse, exerting financial control, or isolation from friends and family. A common abusive technique is called gaslighting or manipulating someone by psychological means to a point where the victim questions their own sanity or worth.

Barriers to getting help can be varied and complex:

• Fear of the abuser finding out.
• Fear that an escape attempt will fail and make things worse.
• Feeling stuck. Having no resources. Not knowing how to get away or where to turn.
• Shame. Not wanting others to know.
• Feeling protective about the abuser, particularly when it is a child inflicting violence on a parent.
• Love or need. Believing promises that it won’t happen again. Feeling the abuser “needs me.”
• Denial. It’s not that bad. It was an accident. It was my fault.

Signs of Abuse

Signs of physical abuse include:

• Black eyes
• Bruises on the arms
• Busted lips
• Red or purple marks on the neck
• Sprained wrists

It's also common for someone to try to cover up the physical signs with clothing, such as, wearing long sleeves or scarves in the hot summer, wearing heavier than normal makeup or donning sunglasses inside.

Emotional signs of abuse include:

• Agitation, anxiety, or constant apprehension
• Changes in sleep habits (sleeping too much or not enough)
• Developing a drug or alcohol problem
• Extremely apologetic or meek
• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Low self-esteem
• Seeming fearful
• Symptoms of depression
• Talking about or attempting suicide

You may notice a person:

• Becomes reserved and distant
• Begins isolating themselves by cutting off contacts with friends and family members
• Cancels appointments or meetings with you at the last minute
• Drops out of activities they would usually enjoy
• Exhibits excessive privacy concerning their personal life or the person with whom they're in a relationship
• Is often late to work or other appointments

What controlling behavior looks like:

Domestic abuse is not about violence, it's about control. If you notice that someone seems to be controlled or extremely manipulated in all areas of their life, it could be a sign they are being abused at some level.

Here are some examples of control:

• Asking permission to go anywhere or to meet and socialize with other people
• Constant calls, texts, or tracking by their partner wanting to know where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with.
• Having very little money available to them, not having access to a credit card, or having to account for every penny spent
• Not having access to a vehicle Referring to their partner as "jealous" or "possessive," or always accusing them of having affairs

What to do if you need help yourself:

Learn more about how to recognize abuse. Learn about local help resources in advance. Domestic violence agencies provide: Emotional support, safety planning, a safe place to stay in an emergency, legal help, and help with housing. If you feel in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or call your EAP.

Local Resources by County:

• Chemung County - Salvation Army - Safehouse, 607-732-1979
• Schuyler County - Catholic Charities of Chemung/Schuyler County, 607-742-9629, cs-cc.org/program-services/victim-services/
• Steuben County - Arbor Housing & Development Domestic Violence Services, 800-286-3407, arbordevelopment.org/domestic-violence-services
• Tompkins County - Advocacy Center, 607-277-5000, actompkins.org

How to help others:

If a friend, relative or person you care about might be in an abusive situation, you can’t rescue them, but you can throw a lifeline. Know common signs of abuse. Talk to the person to see if they feel safe. Listen and show the person that you care. Research domestic violence resources and shelters in your local area so you can offer the person alternatives. Help the person make a safety plan.

If you are worried you may become an abuser:

If you experience rage, anger, or poor impulse control and you are either afraid you might hurt someone or have hurt someone, get professional help immediately to learn how to manage your anger and change your behavior.



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